J Elyzabeth's Blog

A Writer's Journey of a Secluded Mind


December 2012

AW December Blog Chain

Our theme this month is the “end of the world”, as it is set to end December 21, 2012. I tried looking all this up and was immediately lost with all of the “prophecies” and “superstitions” and “how to prepares” for the end of the world. My head hurt from it.

Listed below before my submission are all who participated in our last hurrah. Be it for the end of the world (if it happens) or for the end of this year, 2012.

Participants and posts:
orion_mk3: (link to post)
dolores haze – (link to post)
randi.lee – (link to post)
writingismypassion – (link to post)
bmadsen – (link to post)
Ralph Pines – (link to post)
AllieKat – (link to post)
MsLaylaCakes – (link to post)
katci13 – (link to post)
meowzbark – (link to post)
Angyl78 – (you are here)
Aheïla – (link to post)
pyrosama – (link to post)
Araenvo – (link to post)
CJ Michaels – (link to post)
SuzanneSeese – (link to post)
BBBurke – (link to post)
gell214 – (link to post)
SRHowen – (link to post)



The end (again)

They say it’s going to end.

2000 they said it was going to end. I went to bed, woke, still here. Computer still worked, money was still in the bank, life still uneventful.

That thing that happened a few years ago, where everyone was selling their stuff for the resurrection, redemption… Rapture! When was that? Oh yeah, June 2006, the infamous 666 antichrist apoplectic event.

Hmmm… six and a half years later, still here.

Nat looked up from his writing contemplating the next 16 days, the last six years wondering how in detail he should get. He had enough time he could call in sick? Or go to work…

Leaning back in his chair, he blindly reached for his tea as he stared at the ceiling hoping for answers. Missing someone here to talk to, even if all they were was another body in the apartment, asleep. The guys at the shop were behaving as if the end was near, but not because of the Mayan calendar.

No, the new president of the auto shop chain was supposed to be stopping by this month, again. More than likely today, if yesterday’s imitation of an anthill was anything to go by. Evidently this was big. What he’d gotten from Frank was Devlin McClure was big time, but even then he still took the time to work in the shop with the mechanics on some of the large custom orders. The rumor was that the current presidents were looking for a place to settle the new headquarters. The reason behind the rumor? Well some said it was that Mr. McClure had met a missus who didn’t want to leave here. Even still, all the guys at the shop liked and respected him. It’d been too bad Nat had missed the chance to meet him last time he was in town. Nat thought back to that. He’d been busy burying Clarice and taking care of all of those details. That’d been what? Almost a year ago? Details he was still taking care of, still not thinking about. If he hadn’t had all the hospital bills after Clarice’s death and the insurance money ran out, he’d be writing. Now he did freelance whenever he could find the time but spent most of his days running after orders and customers to prevent the mechanics from having their daily “end of the world” meltdowns because of the time crunches they had to meet. Nat was glad he wasn’t a mechanic in this industry, it was way too competitive, and he though writers could be vindictive.

Nat had met the two other new owners. They had come to pay their respects and were family men. Both had been understanding of the time off he needed to grieve and put things into order. And, if he had gone off the deep end one weekend? Well, who could blame him? He had been like a man lost in the desert who had finally found water. And oh the water. Jake had been his for all of three days, but work, the stress of losing his best friend had stopped him from following Jake to the other side of the country. Three days was way too quick, yet he would have gone. But he couldn’t go with all the bills that had backed up on him. He wasn’t willing to make someone else pay, and he had the feeling Jake wouldn’t have minded.

Getting up he headed to get ready for work. It still hurt, not a life and death hurt but a miss-my-best-friend-I-have-no-one-to-tell-what-I-did hurt, at the time he had felt as if the world had ended. He had met someone but had been too scared to go any further after losing his best friend. Clarice would have kicked his but for walking away the way he did. Clarice had been sick when they got married, but they’d been best friends since grade school and she needed family close and he was it. It didn’t matter that he was gay, his friend needed him and he had spent the last six years of her life helping her to fight the cancer. It had won, they knew it would, but with all things they made the best of the situation and attacked life as if the world was ending. Funny that, in a way his world had, a few times now.  Marrying Clarice had meant no more sex, which was small apples in comparison to how her life was. Her death and then walking away from Jake last year… Clarice had believed in love at first site and soul mates, sadly the disease had taken away her life before she could find hers.

Maybe the world would end? Maybe he wouldn’t have to spend this Christmas on his own?

“Crap!” Nat caught a glance at the clock set his cup down and grabbed his stuff running out the door.

On time, neck deep in order forms and soon to be buried Nat looked up from the paper work and stopped…



For the want of a Parent

I didn’t grow up wanting to be a parent. I didn’t grow up wanting to be fat and unable to control what and how I eat. I didn’t group up saying; “When I get older I am going to continue to hide the extra food I eat”, “I will eat in the two minutes it takes to drive from the store to my house so noone knows I have this”. I’ll use any excuse to go get something I don’t need, rough morning getting out the door, bad meeting, depression that the work today is boring, argument with a family member. The best one, that does the most damage, “I’ll stay up late tonight and get the mocha in the morning (nonfat does not make up for everyday possibly two) instead of facing and accepting that staying up until two in the morning is not a good choice.”

Even better? I make this bad choice knowing that I will feel guilty for staying up, for being grouchy, for buying drinks and foods that do not make me feel well, for spending money I don’t have. I do this know that in the guilt fest I will promptly put myself on, I go in search of more food/drink/latest shiny to make myself feel better.

Now I am so out of control that I am unable to give of myself to anyone. I have missed out years on writing, years on enjoying time with my son; because right now I feel so misserable that I don’t want to do anything. I am unable to give my child what he needs. I am lucky that I have my family and they are willing to give him that extra love and attention. He deserves it.

I am starting with step one. I do not know how long it will take to truly accept that I am powerless and my life in unmanageable.

I have no power over food, and because of this my life has become unmanageable.

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