I didn’t grow up wanting to be a parent. I didn’t grow up wanting to be fat and unable to control what and how I eat. I didn’t group up saying; “When I get older I am going to continue to hide the extra food I eat”, “I will eat in the two minutes it takes to drive from the store to my house so noone knows I have this”. I’ll use any excuse to go get something I don’t need, rough morning getting out the door, bad meeting, depression that the work today is boring, argument with a family member. The best one, that does the most damage, “I’ll stay up late tonight and get the mocha in the morning (nonfat does not make up for everyday possibly two) instead of facing and accepting that staying up until two in the morning is not a good choice.”

Even better? I make this bad choice knowing that I will feel guilty for staying up, for being grouchy, for buying drinks and foods that do not make me feel well, for spending money I don’t have. I do this know that in the guilt fest I will promptly put myself on, I go in search of more food/drink/latest shiny to make myself feel better.

Now I am so out of control that I am unable to give of myself to anyone. I have missed out years on writing, years on enjoying time with my son; because right now I feel so misserable that I don’t want to do anything. I am unable to give my child what he needs. I am lucky that I have my family and they are willing to give him that extra love and attention. He deserves it.

I am starting with step one. I do not know how long it will take to truly accept that I am powerless and my life in unmanageable.

I have no power over food, and because of this my life has become unmanageable.