You know there is going to be a train wreck. You can see it. The train barreling down the tracks and the stupid car sitting there at the light.
Well, I can see my iceberg tipping. My little life, coming apart. Maybe it needs to. Maybe my virtual life and my corporeal life need to meet. Somewhere in the middle of all of that is me. This may be the destruction of self, or the Titanic may sink. How do people combine the fact that their viewpoint in life, what they like and appreciate doesn’t match what those in some of their circles?
I thought I had done so well separating the two. Then Facebook met Instagram. This is what I get for making fun of people for not reading the small print. This is what Facebook and Instagram do not understand – I do not want the two to meet.
Well not yet. I see the iceberg and the Titanic coming closer and closer, the separation smaller and smaller.
My iceberg is about to tip. I am hoping for a few more months, to at least get through the Holidays. To make it to the end of the school year. Get out from under the leverage I feel choking around me. Can I have just that much longer? I just need the safety of my own space, where I can safely say like it or leave it. There are places I am going, and I am not asking form permission. I’m not asking now, but I neither am I answering why I like all the pictures of the half naked men on IG. lol Can I not appreciate that? That is not the only thing I will be asked. There is a reason for pseudonyms. There is a reason why people choose to murky the waters above the bottom of the iceberg. To protect those around them and to protect themselves. Whether the protection is to or from or a form of both is up the the face behind the pseudonym.
I truly mean no harm, but the way I see the world does not click well with some family members. I am becoming me and while I am doing that I may no longer fit in that box anymore. I don’t want to fit in that box.
Yet, there are some things that are far easier to share with virtual strangers than your family. I have found that I can be me, be flirtatious, a smart ass, a pain in the but and some days a little cheeky. I learn by reading, and if I don’t reply or get something out, it is okay. I can type up a response, retype it and rethink it. There are emotes to explain myself. And if I have developed a quirk that doesn’t translate well, well it is a quirk that defines me.
Maybe it is time to pull up my big girl panties and accept I cannot move the car in time to avoid the train. Maybe that train barreling down on me is actually the light at the end of the tunnel. Who knows? All I can do is keep stepping one foot in front of the other and go on this adventure that could be a disaster. But that is a cup half empty. Now the cup half full? I am meeting wonderful people.