J Elyzabeth's Blog

A Writer's Journey of a Secluded Mind



The Price of Perfection

The price of perfection

And the reality of it is none of us are.

The perfect daughter

Perfect sister

Perfect mother, employer, Christian, church goer, shopper, cooker, house cleaner, sailor, writer, student, gamer…

And the list goes on.

What does this insane quest accomplish?

Divorce, anxiety, stress, debt, anorexia, bulimia, obesity, avoidism, alcoholism, shopaholics, hoarders, stalkers, social outcasts, imperfect parents.

Before parenting got all new-age and “don’t tell your child they’re perfect”. That was the goal. Practice made perfection. And if you couldn’t accomplish it, Practice!! Practice harder and if that didn’t work? You’re a failure.

“Oh you’re not a failure, But you didn’t pass this class. Your son is worse than you were. You have a dead end job. You could be so much more if you applied yourself.”

The first five words of that mean nothing. All the emphasis power lies in that sixth word that follows.

As the stress of the holidays recedes and the bank account cringes, my anxiety has not decreased. In my quest for the some odd decades to become this model of perfection I have utterly lost myself.

In the quest of being the perfect daughter I have gone through the motion of making friends with the inability to keep them. They were the wrong kind, dirty, came from the wrong part of town, their parents weren’t the ‘right’ people, they were the wrong race, gender…

My choice in friends was never good enough. In my need to make up for this deficiency I became super obedient, attempting to live through my siblings. See I did no wrong, it was them! Of course in trying to please I said whatever would make people happy. Knowing that if I lied and was found out it would be detrimental to my sanity. Ensuing in hours of lectures all about everything I had done wrong my entire life, except for what I had lied about.

I was not the right type of daughter. I wanted to read, not go out. I wanted to draw, to stitch, to (gasp) crochet. Not run up and down. As soon as I was old enough I sought refuge in the library. Hours upon hours of peace. To this day I still find solace going to a library or book store by myself.

And I really wasn’t a perfect child. I lied, I didn’t do my chores, and I skipped school. Never broke a law and just pissed off my stepmother by breathing. I still do, though now we manage a sense of leave and let be, unless I am the trapped audience to listen how everyone else is having issues and she has to again go expose and ‘fix’ the situation.

But I cannot say too many bad things, or any really, she brought me the papers I needed to file for my first divorce. Spent a month with me after my son was born, flew down to get him so I wouldn’t have to drive the 48 hours from where I lived having just accomplished my second divorce.

I yet again have lived in the same town- my friends were never good enough. No there wasn’t anyone who could watch my son. What relationships were started between me and my sisters were quickly squashed by lectures of how we weren’t making choices that were approved of or…

Hello? I had a one year old, was going to church, going to school full time, and working part time. I had earned those hours of gaming. Which were to be ripped away a few years later. I am just now getting back to them.

And this isn’t to rant or to rave.

I don’t lie. Well I don’t. I just refrain from discussing certain topics with people for my own sanity.

But the past 13 years have been spent (literally) buying the “right” items, the wrong car, the wrong schooling, surgery that was required. (Yes I had to do something. Surgery was one of those tradeoffs to quit school but was still a betterment of myself. And a necessity in order to live a healthy life style.)

Never mind in  my quest to be this perfectly pleasing person I have spent well outside of my means because when I hear a suggestion I don’t necessarily recognize it as such, but as an order to fix whatever the perceive offense was.

And I have learned nothing. I strive for this perfection that does not exist. Except in the magazines, in the movies, in the expectations of church. If I hear that life is a journey not a destination I may scream. I really may.

And in reaching this sad but true check on reality, I am not perfect. I will not magically grow taller; the weight will not go away. Some family members will never change. My job will not function how I view it needs to.

That list goes on.

Sooo… My books may never sell. But I am writing. I am writer in spite of what I have been told the last odd decades. I do have a quirky personality and that is okay. I don’t have to have a million friends. But I can be kind and respectful to people I know and meet.

The kindness that is there hiding I let it out. I encourage other fledgling writers. I may not have an agent but we are all trying to share our story and slowly week by week, day by day, mine is being told.

So 2015 is the year that I try to reaffirm that I am good enough as me. And set out to accomplish my goals. I’ve done them once. I can do it again. GO ME!!



Resolutions of 2015

Resolutions and the New Year

Do you have resolutions this year? Did you make any? I was listening to a vlogger on YouTube today and he was talking about his new year’s resolutions and how this year he was planning on making resolutions that would be friendly to him. About making resolutions that are attainable.

I have made resolutions and promptly broke them. This year I am not so sure I will. I have given up coffee out of a monetary necessity. So that resolution will stand. Getting into shape? Feeling better about myself is an ongoing resolution and the fact that I have been working on it the past 4 months, well I can only say I like that resolution and I can keep that one. It’s the not spending money willy-nilly that will get me in the butt, again this is going to be helped by outside influences. And the greatest one? Get the four books that are running around in my head out of my head and on to the computer.

It’s one of those write, just write. Everything else will fall into place.

But where did resolutions come from? How did they get started? Why?

New Years was a celebration of the beginning, celebrated before Christ but not always on January 1st. Calendars were rewritten to get the necessary days in needed to make the days stretch. The links below will lead you to a few places I found that concerned the questions above.

(I think maybe I’m not doing well with this…) 😀

Now the bad part of this? I actually started writing this blog on Tuesday and promptly had a Starbuck’s Chai on Wednesday. Oops… Maybe I should change that to a Starbucks once a month?

And well I am being a horrible blogger this time around. I pulled out some pieces I felt were interesting from the pages and blogs I found below. All about resolutions, success rates, how we don’t fail, just restart. ‘Cept for the last link. That one is history including a Pope and Julius Ceasar. (#notplagiarizing) Excuse my poor citations, I have not yet learned how to get them in order. I need to go find and example again.

“A New Year’s resolution is a tradition, most common in the Western Hemisphere but also found in the Eastern Hemisphere, in which a person makes a promise to do an act of self-improvement or something slightly nice, such as opening doors for people beginning from New Year’s Day.[1]”

“The most common reason for participants failing their New Years’ Resolutions was setting themselves unrealistic goals (35%), while 33% didn’t keep track of their progress and a further 23% forgot about it. About one in 10 respondents claimed they made too many resolutions.”’s_resolution; New Year’s resolution; Wikipedia® is a registered trademark of the Wikimedia Foundation, Inc.,;8 January 2015; January 14, 2015

Your New Year’s Resolution Can Start Anytime
Posted: 01/09/2015 5:22 pm EST Updated: 01/09/2015 5:59 pm EST

“So, to all who set New Year’s resolutions (but already broke them), there is good news! There are still many more days to complete your 2015 goals. No one said a resolution would be easy (that’s probably why you made it and broke it in the first place). There will be missteps and rough patches that will come up. Regardless of any setbacks, continue to push towards your goals. The year is still young. Plus, even if it wasn’t, there is no set time to start or change someone about yourself or the world around you. Change can and will happen regardless of the date it is started on.”

January 14, 2015; Huffpost Good News; Andrew Benkovic; Freelance Writer from Riverside, Penn.

This is where you will find all the history:

Pet Peeve- Be where you say you are going to be

I am notorious for not being where I say I am going to be… on-line that is. And it annoys me to no end that I do something I find absolutely frustrating in others.

I am trying to juggle Instagram, a Facebook page, Youtube (no I am not posting videos yet, but I do have playlists and people I follow), my blog (Thank you again for following me), Twitch (again a future project), writing my stories and life. Yet alone the few chats I am involved in across the board.

No wonder fellow gamers and bloggers are not always where they say they are going to be. However, IF (the biggest word in the dictionary) you plan on making a career in the public eye. BE where you say you are going to be and WHEN.

Make sure you are not biting off more than you can chew. It drives me nuts when I don’t have a pic before I leave the house for IG. I am getting better understanding if I at least post once a day I am good. That is not something anyone expects of me and I do not have a ton of followers (seem to flit between 60 and 64) lol.. I just expect it of myself and if I post more good.

I finally have Facebook figured out, post on Mondays, after I post to the weekly blog on WordPress. And I have Wednesdays figured out on WordPress, of all things I am a few weeks ahead. Now I should be able to catch up to NaNo and Twitch and my pics and … of all the dreaded things the emails and my commitment to a 12 month program where I am very far behind. I have finally caught up with Absolute Write, realizing it much like InstaGram is a Daily activity.

Now for my rant, if you post you will be online Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. You had best be. It is a proven fact: start how you intend to go on. If you want to build a web presence you cannot slack off, you cannot without being on your death bed not show up. If you are sick…. post you will return as soon as you feel well. Enlist in others to help you, and if you have enlisted in others to help you: DO not leave them wondering WTF??

And if you are a follower- be where you say you will be. Those you follow rely on you too. Be supportive and understanding that there is a life outside of the virtual world. I often fail at this, thinking I am the only one. Then I do a quick reality check and realize that I have let one my many media balls fall to the floor. I have some to go pick up after I get done writing this blog.

Social media much like losing weight or gaining muscles only happens IF you work at it. I am working at it. I very much would love to have enough going on the next few years that I could retire early and take a walk-about England. There are a few villages I am in search of… Who doesn’t dream of making it big? But that comes at a price – commitment, accountability and honesty.

I admit I have failed in the past in making sure I am here. I have failed in making sure I show up on chats that I have committed to. No more. If it means waking up a little earlier, staying up a little later, than I shall. If nothing else I owe my followers the common courtesy of being where and when I say I will be.

I also owe my family and friends (virtual and corporeal) the courtesy of being where I say I will be. This is something I am working on. Not a New Years resolution. But a NOW resolution.

(at the time I write this my followers hover at 99… Thank you)


I wonder if anyone else has noticed this that in social media if you show skin, you get followers. And if you show skin, they seem to want more. I would love to say it has to be good skin, but well people have unique tastes is all I can say.

And people talk about it, see I am talking about it here. I just don’t want to name names or point fingers or offer publicity for people. I agree skin sells. It sold me. I look and I like looking, but I think there is a very thin line between showing skin to offer pointers in exercise or a hey look I have abs and oh my god you did not just show me that!

Look at how much the ‘famous’ people sell magazines for showing skin. Even non-famous persons sell items by showing skin. And sometimes the skin showing has nothing to do with what is being sold. Is this mis-representation of the item being sold?

I wonder how much all that skin showing will come back to bite people on the bums as they climb the ladder to success. I wonder how much the lack of skin showing, the lack of showing be at all will make the climb that much harder for myself. I may just need a model to put up to gather followers….

But that is another post… I am talking about how I do not show skin. Therefore I do not get the media presence that I would like to have to sell the items I am selling. I do cheat on this. I show skin, drawn skin, as in near nude portraits of the men from my imagination to sell the books I have written. It sells. It works. The books that have nakedness sell better than the books that do not. But sex sells, and if the book doesn’t have sex in it, I do not put the sexy pic on the cover. Makes sense, then I am not false advertising.

But some social sites are starting to put restrictions on how much clothing the host needs to have on in order to stream or broadcast their channel. There are even media sites that you have to have the age restrictions in place in order to post, show, promote half nude/skin showing images.

How do you feel about people using near-nakedness/nakedness to sell themselves and/or their products?

Do you think that there is a point where too much skin is too much?

Share below…

Thank you!!!

Unplanned post-

I reached 101 followers this week.

I am so grateful to my followers, I promise to be more active and here on my blog. Thank you to everyone who has been so loyal over the past 5 years that I have been blogging.

Let me know in the comments below if you want me to post about anything specific.


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