J Elyzabeth's Blog

A Writer's Journey of a Secluded Mind



I’m pretty sure I have said it before. And believe me I had a two day crises before I posted the pictures of my answer to seven questions.

Then I realized, if they took the time to write these questions and I took they time to actually write an honest response. Which I did. I realized honesty was the only response. And I mean not the surface answer, but the inner reflective answer.

Which resulted in a not-answer. But not a not-answer. What honest answer and thought doesn’t result in a little self-awareness.

So I posted my response. Not with the hope that they would see my response, but the hope that how I currently view the world would resonate with someone.

If you’re wondering, go delve into the army of responses to #TO_BTS on Twitter.

But my thought at the beginning of this thread was they cannot read it if you don’t write it, don’t post it.

When is it enough? To sit back and watch and listen. To see so much more going on in the world beyond your front door. When is it enough to know your struggles are not the struggles the world has focused on today, but your struggles prevent you from going past your front door.

When is it enough to treat all of those around you with love and compassion. To laugh at your own faults, to acknowledge you can be an evil person at times, but laugh and actively work towards changing that evility. When is it enough, that there is no true evility, that it is just a harsher representation of the truth.

When is it enough? To look at your past, to watch it come barreling towards you. Full throttle like a train you cannot hope to jump out of the way from in front of. When is it enough, to look forward and be so scared of the past coming out to bite you. To share and show all of your faults to the world, because “Hey the don’t know the real you”

Why? Isn’t it enough? Isn’t it enough that I have made mistakes, I have the scars to show. Why is it I say it’s enough. No more. And I am not heard? Why is all that I have yet to do is weighed down by all that I have done.

When is it enough that I learn to just walk. To follow those I find brave and honorable, to just walk. When is it enough? I have made choices in situations where I felt no other choice was available. I have weighed the pros and cons, weighed how much my soul can carry and it is heavy.

I watch the world around me implode. Just when I think this is it, I can do this. The world says “Here. Here it is. Demons.” I am watching actions and hatred and riots – events I only read about in history books. I am watching love and encouragement and dreams – events I have only heard in stories.

When is it enough? When do we say stop? When is it we no longer fear for our children? Parents, friends, strangers… finding the ungodly strength to send others to safety. To remove them from a situation they find frightening and dangerous, in the hope that the new environment is safer. To have to protect yourself as you attempt to do the right thing.

When is it enough? When your child says the strain is too much? That to come back is too emotionally damaging? That they are safe where they are and need to stay. To ask, When is it enough? Who will take care of you? Why do you remain?

As the world implodes, how do I step forward? How do I say I am enough as I am? When I am compared and told I am evil. Evil, because I do not conform. Evil because I do not follow the rigid path that is being laid for ‘not me’. I am not evil. I am not me when I am with you. I tried. I cannot conform. My ideals are not yours, this does not make me a liar, a manipulator. Evil. This makes me, me. I should be enough as I am.

When is it enough? When the world has thoroughly fallen into chaos? When I am unable to hold on by an emotional thread? When we are beaten down by those around us telling us to conform to their ideals? When is it enough? When is it enough that we acknowledge the differences? Acknowledge the beauty and strengths in those differences. Why is it I am safer with them than I am with you?

When is it enough? When do we accept and embrace? When is one small raindrop in the ocean the overflowing point?

When is it enough? Careful the questions you ask. The answers may not be what we can take back. Careful the actions you take, some may be irreparable. Careful the ‘truth’ you speak, it may not be all people’s truth. It’ll be enough, when it is enough.

May 30, 2020

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